Once upon a time there lived a tiny mouse called Laura. Although she was far from being the biggest, she was considered to be the best cook of pies and suchlike in the whole land of panty panty. She was so good at making pies that she had been hired by ol’ king Malik, the friendly bear, as the king’s private chef. Many hours she would spend making the mushroom and spinach pies for the bear king for he was no ordinary bear, but a bear that was a flippin’ vegetarian.
One day a magical elephant named Ruaridh came to the royal kitchen when Laura was working hard. “Are you the king’s private chef?” asked Ruaridh the elephant (who was not scared by the fact Laura was a mouse because that idea is silly). “Why yes I am” said Laura timidly. She was only very small and as such was scared of anything bigger than a shoelace “why do you ask?” The elephant looked at her a while before deciding that he might as well get to it “I have come to poses the most powerful pastry in the land and I request that you make it into a delicious pie for our humble king!” After the words were done, the elephant ran away. It seems that he had a greater task to be about, one that was too big even for I, as the humble narrator, to fully comprehend.
After the elephant had left, Laura the mouse looked at the pastry. A tricky specimen indeed. The first problem was that it still had hair on it. Ever the worker, Laura got to work on kneading it and doing all the pie things that are done to pastry.
Laura started to cry. She was sure that it was not her pie making ability that was at fault but she could not help but feel that she must be at least partly responsible for the burnt and gooey mess that stood before her. She had followed the instructions to the letter but still the bubbling milk had overflowed and gone all over the hob on her cooker. Worse still, she had burned the King’s pie. Bloody pastry, it had cursed her kitchen.
Fearing the disappointment of her king, little mouse Laura made a new pie, which was substantially bigger, and put the original mess of a pie inside it as a filling. The king would never see the mess that the evil pastry had made the pie but he would eat it all the same. This made little Laura happy and she went off to play bridge with her friend Sam the cuddly meerkat.
The next day it was feeding time for the king and, as per tradition, it was Laura’s job as the head chef and private chef to the king to force feed her pie of the day into the mouth of their bear king. The king was actually allergic to eating and as such he had to be constrained every meal time. As the pie was jammed into his food hole, it became apparent that something wasn’t right. He usually thrashed around at dinner time but never quite this ferociously. In his thrashing desperation he managed to break free from his feeding cone and accidentally ate Laura the mouse along with her special pie. Whether it was just a bad coincidence that the king killed his best and most loyal subject while being force fed a pie which “powerful pastry” we may never know, but what we can all take from this story is that it is never a good idea to force feed a bear.