Tuesday, 21 December 2010
For the meatime enjoy my description of a picture of a snake i would have drawn if my hands were not cold.
with a big pointy head and a slimey skin, schuman the snake looked mighty feirce. His body was like a long snakey snake covered in wheels. Schuman had never learned how to move his snakey muscles as his mother died giving birth to him. He had never met his father. He moves by rolling around on tiny wheels made of curled up hedgehogs and he wears a cape that says "if this cape was a fiver then i would be laughing" and he has a slight case of the measels
Monday, 20 December 2010
In the middle of an afternoon, in the typical warmth of the panty panty summer, there were two space badgers called Faye and Tetley. They were worker badgers and were trusted to care for the grass that covered the majority of the land. The work was hard yet very rewarding; Panty Panty land did look rather lovely.
One day they were sweeping the leaves that had fallen from the old marbot tree when they saw a fox. A fox coming from far far away “hello there fox, lovely day is it not” said Tetley badger in his scrumpy flavoured accent. As the fox was still over 500 miles away he could not hear and it was not until the next day that they managed to get talking.
“I am a fun fox called Chris and I am looking for some friends to go bowling with, would the two of you be interested at all?” asked Chris the pigeon (who is now a fox). “I will even buy the both of you an ice cream to share”
It is well known that if there is one thing that space badgers like it is sharing an ice cream “we shall come with you bowling and be happy space badgers” said Faye and Tetley in unison and the three of them joined hands and skipped off to Steve’s bowling happy happy house.
There were few bowling alleys in Panty Panty and it is fair to say that Steve’s was far from the best of them. It was built in the belly of a whale that had fallen on hard times. The wallpaper was falling off and the lights flickered. As soon as Faye and Tetley badger entered they knew they had made a big mistake by going with the fox “Oh no we have made a big mistake by coming with you Chris the fox!” they cried in unison. Chris the fox was no longer playing the gentlemen and had a distinctly shifty look going on “you badgers stay here while I go get Steve. This place may look a mess but his smile will light up the alley as it will your hearts and we will have a fantastic time of bowling indeed” Needless to say the badgers were too scared to move so they stayed put while Chris the fox went to get Steve. “Ah, here he is” they heard him say and yet the only noise they could hear was the scraping of steel on steel. You should have left Faye and Tetley the space badgers.
Chris the fox returned with the biggest knife either of the badgers had ever seen “oh my that is a big knife” said Faye. Tetley fainted.
The potato king awoke from his slumber in the wild child motel to a curious knocking that sounded like a fox on a door. “Come in sir” he grumbled. In came Chris the fox “what ho! I never thought to see you again. What do you want with me, your future ruler?” asked the potato king. Chris came in the room and the potato king saw he had brought a sack full of bad smell. “What is this sack of bad smell fox?” Without saying a word Chris pulled out the remains of two dead badgers which had been turned into some sort of evil pastry. “Ah hah” said the potato king “evil pastry. You have done well my fox friend, we could use that to poison the king into a state of perpetual grumpiness” Chris was beaming, he had succeeded! Back in the good books with the potato king and their plan for starting a rebellion well on track
Once upon a time there lived a tiny mouse called Laura. Although she was far from being the biggest, she was considered to be the best cook of pies and suchlike in the whole land of panty panty. She was so good at making pies that she had been hired by ol’ king Malik, the friendly bear, as the king’s private chef. Many hours she would spend making the mushroom and spinach pies for the bear king for he was no ordinary bear, but a bear that was a flippin’ vegetarian.
One day a magical elephant named Ruaridh came to the royal kitchen when Laura was working hard. “Are you the king’s private chef?” asked Ruaridh the elephant (who was not scared by the fact Laura was a mouse because that idea is silly). “Why yes I am” said Laura timidly. She was only very small and as such was scared of anything bigger than a shoelace “why do you ask?” The elephant looked at her a while before deciding that he might as well get to it “I have come to poses the most powerful pastry in the land and I request that you make it into a delicious pie for our humble king!” After the words were done, the elephant ran away. It seems that he had a greater task to be about, one that was too big even for I, as the humble narrator, to fully comprehend.
After the elephant had left, Laura the mouse looked at the pastry. A tricky specimen indeed. The first problem was that it still had hair on it. Ever the worker, Laura got to work on kneading it and doing all the pie things that are done to pastry.
Laura started to cry. She was sure that it was not her pie making ability that was at fault but she could not help but feel that she must be at least partly responsible for the burnt and gooey mess that stood before her. She had followed the instructions to the letter but still the bubbling milk had overflowed and gone all over the hob on her cooker. Worse still, she had burned the King’s pie. Bloody pastry, it had cursed her kitchen.
Fearing the disappointment of her king, little mouse Laura made a new pie, which was substantially bigger, and put the original mess of a pie inside it as a filling. The king would never see the mess that the evil pastry had made the pie but he would eat it all the same. This made little Laura happy and she went off to play bridge with her friend Sam the cuddly meerkat.
The next day it was feeding time for the king and, as per tradition, it was Laura’s job as the head chef and private chef to the king to force feed her pie of the day into the mouth of their bear king. The king was actually allergic to eating and as such he had to be constrained every meal time. As the pie was jammed into his food hole, it became apparent that something wasn’t right. He usually thrashed around at dinner time but never quite this ferociously. In his thrashing desperation he managed to break free from his feeding cone and accidentally ate Laura the mouse along with her special pie. Whether it was just a bad coincidence that the king killed his best and most loyal subject while being force fed a pie which “powerful pastry” we may never know, but what we can all take from this story is that it is never a good idea to force feed a bear.
It was a pleasant, warm and sunny day in pantsy pantsy land when the potato king arrived. Not knowing anything of the world, he was more than a bit surprised when he saw a mild mannered pigeon riding round and round a rock on a unicycle. The world that that potato king had left was full of cities and cars and busy people, nothing like pantsy pantsy land which consisted of fields and trees as far as the eye could see, with a few small shacks and burrows placed willy nilly in among the nature bits.
“Well hello there” said the pigeon. It did not seem surprised to see the potato king at all. “What brings a fine fellow such as you to our fair kingdom?” The potato king was surprised. Where he had come from pigeons said hardly a word to humans, much less start a conversation. “I have come from the planet earth to see whether your land has any natural materials we could harvest, to be honest we didn’t think we would find intelligent life this deep in the outer space” said the potato king. Rudely, the pigeon started laughing. “Well I don’t know if you could call it intelligent life but we are certainly getting along nicely, I’m Christopher by the way, would you like to come back to my house with me and we shall feast on a thousand varieties of profiterole?” Like any amicable explorer, the potato king accepted Christopher the pigeon’s generous offer of tasty pastry and wobbled along beside his new friend, a pigeon on a unicycle.
Chris the pigeon’s house was truly a wonder. It was the only house the potato king had ever seen that was substantially smaller on the inside than the outside. From outside it looked a lot like the burrows he had seen in the lord of the rings (or what they would have looked like if they had been designed for people the height of a human). Inside was just a single circular room about three meters in diameter with a huge pile of profiteroles in the front. The only way that the two of them could actually fit in was to sit on the pile of profiteroles its self, what a curiosity! “Now that we are settled” said Chris the pigeon “I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind telling me more of why you have come here”. The potato king mumbled and hesitated for a few seconds, as if trying to think of what to say but after a short pause he spouted the following “if you must know, the story about stealing resources was a ruse. My planet was destroyed millennia ago and I have been trying to find a planet such as yours for a while now. I Would very much like to set the people against whatever ruler you have and set about a civil war so that I can remember what it is like to see other people in pain, then I can die comfortably” What a thing to say potato king !
Interestingly enough, Chris the pigeon was not shocked at all “I see” he said, then after a pause which was bordering on being uncomfortably long he said “I have often fantasised about seeing this place turned upside down. It is not that I enjoy seeing people upset but merely that I can not gauge how good our life is here without a comparison. It is for this reason that I declare my friendship to you, mister potato king and vow to help you in any way I can”. The potato king looked at Chris and asked him who was in charge of pantsy pantsy land and Chris told him that their leader was a kindly old bear named Malik Horseandshoesen. This the potato king could not abide to hear. In a rage he turned to Chris “If you can live under the rule of a bear then you disgust me. I think I shall turn you into a fox!” Blammo! Magic was done. The potato king left and Chris the pigeon had been transformed into Chris the Fox. Rather upset Chris took it upon himself to find a way to get himself back into the potato king’s good graces, whatever the cost. No matter who was hurt in the process.
The End ?
From now on i will post up short stroies that i have written, oh it shall be so very fun. I do not claim to have any skill whatsoever in the field but it is fun to make up stuff and (very possibly) fun for you to read the rambling tales out of the head of a madman.
For better or worse i now declare this blog as purposefull
P.s sorry about all the spelling and gramatical errors that are likely in everything i write.
I Blame you