Monday, 20 December 2010

Chris Duff and the volcano of love

Today i shall post the first in my cycle of stories I have written for my friends in Dundee. The idea was to write everyone a fun and exciting story which was about them personally but as soon as i started it became apparent that my head is full of space badgers and the like so consider yourself forewarned.

It was a pleasant, warm and sunny day in pantsy pantsy land when the potato king arrived. Not knowing anything of the world, he was more than a bit surprised when he saw a mild mannered pigeon riding round and round a rock on a unicycle. The world that that potato king had left was full of cities and cars and busy people, nothing like pantsy pantsy land which consisted of fields and trees as far as the eye could see, with a few small shacks and burrows placed willy nilly in among the nature bits.

“Well hello there” said the pigeon. It did not seem surprised to see the potato king at all. “What brings a fine fellow such as you to our fair kingdom?” The potato king was surprised. Where he had come from pigeons said hardly a word to humans, much less start a conversation. “I have come from the planet earth to see whether your land has any natural materials we could harvest, to be honest we didn’t think we would find intelligent life this deep in the outer space” said the potato king. Rudely, the pigeon started laughing. “Well I don’t know if you could call it intelligent life but we are certainly getting along nicely, I’m Christopher by the way, would you like to come back to my house with me and we shall feast on a thousand varieties of profiterole?” Like any amicable explorer, the potato king accepted Christopher the pigeon’s generous offer of tasty pastry and wobbled along beside his new friend, a pigeon on a unicycle.

Chris the pigeon’s house was truly a wonder. It was the only house the potato king had ever seen that was substantially smaller on the inside than the outside. From outside it looked a lot like the burrows he had seen in the lord of the rings (or what they would have looked like if they had been designed for people the height of a human). Inside was just a single circular room about three meters in diameter with a huge pile of profiteroles in the front. The only way that the two of them could actually fit in was to sit on the pile of profiteroles its self, what a curiosity! “Now that we are settled” said Chris the pigeon “I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind telling me more of why you have come here”. The potato king mumbled and hesitated for a few seconds, as if trying to think of what to say but after a short pause he spouted the following “if you must know, the story about stealing resources was a ruse. My planet was destroyed millennia ago and I have been trying to find a planet such as yours for a while now. I Would very much like to set the people against whatever ruler you have and set about a civil war so that I can remember what it is like to see other people in pain, then I can die comfortably” What a thing to say potato king !

Interestingly enough, Chris the pigeon was not shocked at all “I see” he said, then after a pause which was bordering on being uncomfortably long he said “I have often fantasised about seeing this place turned upside down. It is not that I enjoy seeing people upset but merely that I can not gauge how good our life is here without a comparison. It is for this reason that I declare my friendship to you, mister potato king and vow to help you in any way I can”. The potato king looked at Chris and asked him who was in charge of pantsy pantsy land and Chris told him that their leader was a kindly old bear named Malik Horseandshoesen. This the potato king could not abide to hear. In a rage he turned to Chris “If you can live under the rule of a bear then you disgust me. I think I shall turn you into a fox!” Blammo! Magic was done. The potato king left and Chris the pigeon had been transformed into Chris the Fox. Rather upset Chris took it upon himself to find a way to get himself back into the potato king’s good graces, whatever the cost. No matter who was hurt in the process.

The End ?